Love and Leadership

Let’s Get Critical: How to Receive Tough Feedback

• Kristen Brun Sharkey and Mike Sharkey • Episode 27

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Most leaders know feedback is essential for growth, but let's be honest - receiving it can be uncomfortable, even painful. In this episode, Kristen and Mike get real about their own struggles with feedback and share practical strategies to make the process less daunting. Whether you're dealing with a 360 review or an unexpected comment from a team member, you'll learn how to stay composed, listen effectively, and use feedback to become a stronger leader. Plus, discover why comparing different feedback styles to cookies might forever change how you think about giving and receiving feedback.

Download your free PDF of the receiving feedback model reviewed in the episode: llpod.link/feedback

Highlights:

  • Three types of feedback from Marshall Goldsmith: solicited, unsolicited, and observational feedback
  • Mike’sexperience learning about feedback in Chinese restaurant culture
  • Pros and cons of different 360 feedback formats, from anonymous surveys to verbal interviews
  • Harvard Business Review article on feedback, including tips for crafting effective feedback questions
  • Creative discussion of different feedback styles compared to types of cookies (from the classic "Oreo" feedback sandwich to the raw, unfiltered "cookie dough")
  • Kristen’s 9-step model for receiving feedback effectively, starting with awareness and ending with action
  • The importance of taking time to process feedback rather than feeling pressured to respond immediately
  • Tips for staying present while receiving feedback, like taking notes to maintain focus
  • The value of following up after receiving feedback, whether you plan to make changes or not

Links & Resources Mentioned:

Related Episodes:

Podcast Website: www.loveandleadershippod.com
Instagram: @loveleaderpod

Follow us on LinkedIn!
Kristen: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristenbsharkey/
Mike: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-s-364970111/

Learn more about Kristen's leadership coaching and facilitation services: http://www.emboldify.com

Kristen: Welcome to Love and Leadership, the podcast that helps you lead with both your head and your heart, plus a bit of humor. I'm Kristen Brun Sharkey, a leadership coach and facilitator.

Mike: And I'm Mike Sharkey, a senior living and hospitality executive. We're a couple of leadership nerds who also happen to be a couple.

Kristen: Join us each week as we share our unfiltered opinions, break down influential books, and interview inspiring guests.

Mike: Whether you're a seasoned executive or a rising star, we're here to help you level up your leadership game and amplify your impact.

Kristen: \ Hello and welcome back to Love and Leadership. I'm Kristen.

Mike: And I'm Mike?

Kristen: Why is there a question mark? 

Mike: and Well. There wasn't a question mark. But good observation of tonal usage after last week's Never Split the Difference conversation. I actually rerecorded my new voicemail and made sure the end my tone went down.

Kristen: Wow. That's a real power move. I like it. Well, today is a topic based episode. We're talking about receiving feedback as a leader,

But, first it's been a minute since we did leadership moments since we haven't in a

bit. What would you like to share, Mike?

Mike: Well, I've had some leadership moments.

I probably can't say too much for legal reasons, but

Kristen: Yeah,

Mike: I am generally, I'm definitely a people pleaser. I like to be liked. I don't like to make waves and in leadership roles,you can't lead with that, right? You have to lead with the success of the endeavor, the mission.

And to judge leaders from the outside and say, Oh, I could do better. Or I don't like the way this guy, you, until you sit in the chair, you don't know the full scope of pressures, demands, responsibilities, concerns, that you will face. Long story short, well, that's never true with me, but long story short,I had a situation that,demanded a, more aggressive approach and a firmer hand for the good of the mission.

And,I probably didn't make some friends in the process and that's, super uncomfortable for me, but we'll take that as a little bit of character growth as well. And I definitely had more than a few moments of, as Brene Brown said of rumbling with emotion and vulnerability and I didn't like any of it.

I don't like any of it. I also don't like receiving feedback. Positive or negative. I'm always going to try and do better. But, you know. Should be interesting. All right, your turn 

Kristen: I just have something I'm excited about. I'm interpreting leadership moments very broadly these days, I feel like, but I, am doing a talk in Houston next week as part of a Disrupt HR event. If you're in the HR world, you've probably heard of them, but if not, it's like TEDx of HR, basically. They do them in cities across the world.

And I'm doing, a talk on improv-erbs. Basically

Mike: Proverbs. Oh, I got it.

Kristen: Improv principles applied to leadership. 

Mike: Cute, 

Kristen: Yeah, like proverb instead of proverbs. It's improv-erbs.. And it's a five minute talk, which is much shorter than, it's actually like a fun speaking challenge because your slides change every 15 seconds and it's only 5 minutes so like usually when I'm doing talks it's 20 minutes or like 45 minutes so,it's kind of a fun challenge but I'm excited.

I love talking about improv and leadership, obviously. So

Mike: You're going to Houston?

Kristen: Yeah, you know, you might be making an appearance in

Mike: I might be. Okay, that's right. I remember booking some travel.

Kristen: as well. 

Mike's dad also lives outside of Houston, so we'll be combining with a little

Mike: Sort of. I mean, he's in the boonies. Yeah. Yeah. He's he's realized that his dream of being as far from civilization as possible before you start headed back. And I share that dream for sure. I like people and I like to see them, but I like to be able to retreat to my, ranch that's 30 miles from the nearest person. That's the dream.I think in Colorado is a good spot for that. 

Kristen: 30 miles is very far.There's no Whole Foods delivery.

Mike: I mean, there might be.

Kristen: Um.

Mike: I don't know. They deliver everywhere

Kristen: They don't. They don't, they don't. 

Mike: Um, well, we'll, rough it.

Kristen: in, I mean, I've been in like, spent like a month in something that's pretty out of nowhere.

And even like Amazon deliveries are slower, 

Mike: Yeah, I remember when

Kristen: The ultimate first world problems. 

Mike: Yeah, when we honeymooned in, the Maldives, I remember.

I was trying to get some Amazon package shipped and I was ordering like three weeks in advance and it wasn't enough

Kristen: Nope. Nope.

Mike: I was like, there's no Prime Now

Kristen: there is no,

Mike: there's Prime next month, you

Kristen: Yeah.

Mike: for the Maldives

Kristen: Yeah.

Mike: Which is good, I don't you know, we definitely have a consumer culture. I'm very guilty of like. Not like you, though.

Whenever I go to the Hub, it's like, when I punch in your code, it's you have 19 packages.

Kristen: That's an exaggeration.

Mike: Of course it's an exaggeration, but the question is, how much of an exaggeration? 

Kristen: Yeah, yeah. 

Mike: Only one order of magnitude. 

Kristen: It's not,

okay, whatever. I guess we'll get back on topic.

Mike: topic. 

Kristen: You're about to get some, you're about to get some feedback.

Mike: to get some feedback. We're gonna get negative feedback. 

Kristen: Okay, wellSo this episode, so we did an episode a little while back on giving feedback as a leader and this is kind of like the follow up to that on receiving feedback and this has come up in a few places but I think particularly in What Got You Here Won't Get You There. He talks a lot about how feedback is so important for leaders.

There's like a Zenger Folkman study I'll link to that in the show notes that shows that leaders who ask for feedback are perceived more positively, but it also really helped like actually actively soliciting feedback as a leader and making sure you're getting it really helps set an example for your team and helps you create a culture of feedback as well because you really have to set that example and continuously do it. So it's important. With that said, most of us hate it. So if you hate receiving feedback, you are not alone. So you can know that going in.

I 

Mike: was like, I worked one place, they had like a set of 15 maxims and one of them was feedback is a gift and I'm like, okay, sure. It certainly is, but nobody, wants to hear all the ways their coming up short.

Sometimes it's not coming up short to, it's just like, an adjustment. You have to feel pretty secure in your value and your own stuff and be willing to listen. 

Kristen: So, today we're going to talk about one of a series of steps and stuff you can do to help yourself through the process, but, starting with like how you're getting the feedback. So, Marshall Goldsmith in What Got You Here Won't Get You There Breaks it down into three categories. You have solicited feedback.

So this is all about asking the right people the right questions, interpreting the answers properly, and then accepting them as accurate. So this is always better to get confidentially, right? Like through a 360 feedback, but it's also something that if you're building up 

this feedback culture, you can also get it by asking people directly and creating an environment where it's safe for people to give feedback, right?His question is, how can I do better? We'll talk about a couple other optionsAnd then there's unsolicited feedback. So this is where somebody just gives you feedback openly, and often this will help open your eyes to things that you weren't necessarily aware of.

And then there's observational feedback. So this is you making observations. And using them as clues about how people feel about you, which is going to be less accurate than people giving you feedback directly, but can still be really valuable because we're always observing.

Mike: So, I think it's interesting. Some of this is cultural, right? I worked for a while in a Chinese restaurant where I didn't know anything but thought I did. And they very graciously,would correct me.

And, of course, I did not like that. But their culture is different. They actually

And they are, in fact, and now I know, they actually did me, the greatest favors that I did not deserve and did not appreciate at the time. They, they have a culture of cultivation and self improvement over thousands and thousands of years.

And If someone is correcting you, you're supposed to appreciate it because that person is spending their vital time and energy to help you get better. And even if they're not like a hundred percent on the money, there's probably some learning experience for you. So,that was a real like culture shock for me, but I try and listen now.

I don't know, but I certainly didn't appreciate it then. I do now. Honestly, I can never repay that, that, that kindness. I also, I don't fully agree that observational feedback is less accurate. It's different. But people don't always verbalize the truth either when you ask them and to somebody who's maybe it's 'cause I'm hyper aware of people's facial expressions and emotions, and that is probably not healthy.

But I gle as you wrote this, from observational 

Kristen: feedback. Yeah.

I mean, it's an important part of it, he doesn't say it's not. it's the most, frequent feedback you're 

Mike: Yeah.

Kristen: always 

Mike: yeah, 

Kristen: going to be observing situations. 

Well, and aren't there some conflicting like studies of the efficacy of 360 degree feedback? Because, and I think you have to, you know,I'm from a world of surveys, right? We survey every customer, we survey our residents, everyone that can. It's definitely valuable information, but people have their own agendas too, I mean, my experience, I'd have to look up specific studies, but my experience is that 360s are incredibly valuable, but the format that they're done in matters a lot. 

Mike: Yeah, that makes sense.

Kristen: I think survey based 360 feedback can be informational, but there's also a certain degree of like anonymity within in it with commentary too. So I've seen people say things that they would never say to another human but in the anonymous comments. 

Mike: comment.

Oh, sure. They will

Kristen: Of a 360 feedback review right

Mike: Well, I think it's valuable and I always like when you do a resume and you put your references It's usually people that were your boss And I think I want to also You know, I've asked people who are on my team to be a reference like because they're the ones that are going to tell your prospective boss how you treat your team, you know. A lot of people lead up the chain of command and they work very hard to be impressive to their leadership to their bosses. But they step all over the people that are below them.

So I want to call your line cook. Like, how did you treat your dish? What? Like, 

Kristen: Yeah. I mean, they're still very valuable. I think they can be harder if you're sensitive to feedback. I think they can be harder to take in. It also depends on the survey and how it's done and how it's debriefed and all that. But,

Mike: Yeah, that makes sense. The phrase, I'm not the phrasing, but the, format has to probably be very intelligently designed. 

Kristen: Yeah, but I mean there's also like the flip side of that which is asking people for feedback directly which is also like optimal for you to have working relationships in an environment and culture where that's considered safe and acceptable but you're never gonna get with most people, there are some people who are very transparent, but with most people, you're not going to get as direct feedback as you would through another format.

So my preferred way to do 360s, this is like how any coaching engagement I do defaults to unless they have like an internal mandated 360 process for the company is a verbal 360. So as a coach, I will like at the beginning of a coaching engagement. I will ask them for a list of people they work with across different levels.

So you have direct reports, you have peers, you have stakeholders, supervisor, etc. And I will interview them and then I can ask follow up questions and get clarification and then aggregate that into a feedback report.

That's my favorite way to do it because you still have the accountability of they're talking to me.

So like they, you don't get quite the level of of harshness that you can get from like a 360 with anonymous comments.

Mike: It's pretty, it can be pretty harsh.

Kristen: Yeah, but there, there's you're going to get a lot more honesty than with a lot of people than you would like asking them for feedback on yourself, right? So for me, it like strikes that middle really well.

Mike: Yeah, like that you're aggregating and interpreting a little bit.

Kristen: Yeah, for sure. And I include like direct quotes as much as possible with that unless it like reveals who the person is. It's not, it's anonymized within an aggregated format. But I break it down into different categories and stuff for them. So, and then we debrief it together. I don't just send it to them. I do send it to them, but after we've looked through it together.

Mike: I don't know. There's I guess some of it should make you just a little bit uncomfortable, right? We did something where, like for learning and growth, you have to be a little bit uncomfortable.

I was definitely a little bit uncomfortable today. I hate it though.

Kristen: I know.

Well, it's discomfort for a reason, right?

Mike: Still hate it. Like,

Kristen: Yeah, you're still allowed to not enjoy it, it's allowed. But it also gets easier over time, right? Like you can handle it a lot better than you could like ten years ago.

Or five years 

Mike: probably. 

Kristen: I think the answer. I think you can.

Mike: I just think, I had some advice probably when I was working in that restaurant too. So I remember I had I think I get a child telling me I was doing something wrong And I didn't want to listen. I was like, oh, you're a little kid. And then somebody gave me some overarching advice that when somebody tells you something it you should try and remove where it's coming from or who it's coming from the tone of voice, their intention, and just try and get the message from the universe.

And if you can do that, like you'll find value in, in lots of different places that might instead make you have an emotional reaction. I'm not saying I can do that, but I definitely want to.

Kristen: Yeah. Well, we'll talk about mindsets and stuff to help with that.If you've listened to this podcast for a while, you know I love a Harvard Business Review article, soI do have one I'll link to in the show notes.

It's called How Leaders Can Get the Feedback They Need to Grow by Kim Scott, who's the author of Radical Candor, which I would like to do in our, LBC one of these days,

Mike: My heart's just like palpitating, book. 

Kristen: Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy. There's a couple of things I really liked from this article. I think the one thing is they recommend that you have a go to question for asking for feedback. And it's something that sounds like it's in your own words. So they gave a couple of examples of like, what can I do to support you? What could I do or stop doing that would make it easier for you to work with me? or

Mike: Yeah, that's some structured, not like, do you like me? Yeah.

Kristen: Yeah, and there's also like Marshall Goldsmith's classic question, how can I do better? You'll note that just like we were talking about with negotiation last in last week's episode,and also like we talked about with The Coaching Habit and has come up, open ended questions are the key here.

So like questions starting with what or how. 

Mike: Yeah. 

Kristen: As opposed to, do you have any feedback for me? In which case it's very easy to be like,nope, everything's good.

Mike: no, Or you're, you're terrible.I had a leader who, asked for feedback, but she had not really established herself in the position. She was very new to leadership. And she asked a very adversarial team who she had just inherited. what do you think of me or like how am I do or just a very and she got like you know a scathing New York Times critic book review or something on her, not productive at all. And i'm not a big fan of like power in positions but like if you haven't established yourself as you know in your role and then you're like it was very insecure In a way and it wasn't like it wasn't meant to be Do like, it was do you like me?

Or like, I don't know what I'm doing. Please tell me what I'm doing wrong. You can say that to some degree when you have a foundation of competence, and you carry yourself with enough leadership presence, like that will get you, leadership points if you will. But saying, how do I do my job is not hot.

It's not the best.

Kristen: No, I like these, like making it more focused on what can I do differently or what can I do better. What's one thing I canthese are ways that make it a lot easier to answer the question. So I like that. The other thing I love in this article, so I guess, Liz Fosslien I'm, if I'm pronouncing that right, is an illustrator and she has an illustration in this article that's basically types of feedback people give as types of cookies,

Mike: What? I like cookies.

Kristen: It's just hilarious.

Mike: What? Oh, I saw that on your,

Kristen: Yeah,so there's the Oreo, which is the classic feedback sandwich. So like two positive thoughts around one negative thought, and then there's the macaron, which is two elegantly worded positive thoughts around one very tiny negative thought, 

Mike: Um, black and white, which is like the no nonsense, straightforward feedback.

The New York cookie. That's the New

Kristen: Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Mike: That's the, what they, the cookie they sell in every deli in New York city.

Kristen: So I guess I make that on brand for New Yorkers as well. Yeah. The oatmeal raisin, which is positive with bits of negative sprinkled in.

Mike: This is amazing. It's so good. This is so good. It's so cute.

Kristen: The sugar cookie, which is overly sweet and ultimately unfulfilling.

Mike: If there's enough sugar, it's fulfilling, Ms. Fosslein. I've got some feedback for you.

Kristen: I don't know. You're like, it was just like overly sugary feedback. Like that doesn't actually have any substance

Mike: it. Well, and like we said, you should feel it. You want to moderate the distress, right? You want to feel just enough uncomfortable to want to improve, but not enough uncomfortable that it like long term damages self worth or self esteem or your confidence, it's all the right amount, I see dough.

Kristen: Dough is the last one, like raw and unfiltered.

Mike: And there's a, there's a rolling pin on it. Like we're going to just flatten you out. We're going to smack you with the rolling pin. this.

Kristen: Yeah, I love this. I love this so much. So you can think about what kind of cookie of feedback am I tending to give people?

Mike: people? interesting because we've talked about, the Oreo kind of not, that's a little bit of a traditional thing that we've read about in the One Minute Manager.

And it might not be the most, productive. I don't know. And I

Kristen: I think it's a very outdated 

Mike: May be outdated and I think some of this depends on the, like the trust you've built longterm with the team. I don't know. I probably give them macaron I just, and then somebody, I don't want them to even know I've said anything

Kristen: See that's less helpful

Mike: I don't know. Maybe.

Kristen: Because then they have to be listening for that one little negative.

Mike: Pay attention.

Kristen: But people are always going to be more sensitive to the negative. So I feel like it's almost like deceiving to try to just minimalize it and hide in there, as opposed to just being direct about it, but also balancing it with positive feedback.

Mike: Well, that's the black and white.

There's black and white. It should be balanced, right?

Kristen: into Yeah and we went into this more in the delivering feedback episode about like, how to actually give feedback effectively. Um, but I just really like this way of categorizing feedback. very, and it's

Mike: Maybe oatmeal raisin is good. Maybe oatmeal, I don't know. 

Kristen: Yeah, I don't know. 

Mike: You don't want to have too much sugar.

Kristen: you don't have too much sugar. I know

Mike: is pretty substantive.

Good oatmeal raisin cookie. Where's the cranberry cookie? That's the new thing. 

Kristen: Oh, 

Mike: cool thing. 

Kristen: I do like a cranberry white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie, I'll say. 

Mike: Oh, that is my favorite, actually. 

Kristen: And now we're hungry. 

Mike: No, I just had dinner.

Kristen: I'm 

Mike: Well, I'll make you gnocchi.

Kristen: okay.

Mike: I made homemade gnocchi for you. First time in six years. 

Kristen: It's very, it's 

Mike: delicious 

Kristen: I bought a bunch of potatoes, and he's like, I'll make gnocchi. 

Mike: Well, when you bring me ingredients, they become dishes. You didn't know that I had the gnocchi kung fu I make them really crispy.

Kristen: Um.

Mike: She's getting hungry.

Kristen: So, the last piece of this that I wanted to go through, is one of my models, and this is basically for, things to follow while you're actually receiving feedback. So this can be true for solicited feedback or unsolicited feedback, but when you're actually in the place of somebody's giving you feedback, how do you take that in and how do you respond to that?

And I do have an infographic that goes with this. So if you want to see if you're a visual person like me and you want to see the actual like graphic, you can get a PDF of it. It's at llpod.link/feedback, or I'll put the link in the show notes as well. But basically there's like nine different steps as part of this.

So the first is awareness and this really comes down to observing your emotional reactions to the feedback and recognize that for most people, receiving constructive feedback is gonna put you in like a fight or flight state. So,really just observing your body, like, what feelings are going through and trying, and this is where like having some kind of mindfulness practice where you're learning to observe your thoughts and feelings, without letting them necessarily activate you and take over..

Just like letting them exist. It's really valuable for many things. And in general with just like self regulation, but but that's kind of the foundation of this, right? Is like just notice as a person giving you feedback, notice what you're feelingand try not to judge it. Because it's very normal to be feeling like negative emotions or be like in a fight or flight stage. And then regulation is the next part of that. So do your absolute best not to show any defensiveness, anger, blame shifting. Et cetera. So,try to just take the feedback in and try to keep it, just take it in before even responding. So watch out for that kind of behavior and really work on regulating And then curiosity. 

Mike: So 

Kristen: Try doing your best to dial down your inner judge, which will be definitely activated for most people when you're getting constructive feedback. But doing your best to dial that down and just try to approach the feedback from a place of curiosity.

So again, like curiosity, I define as interest, without agenda. So, trying to separate your emotions and what this feedback means for you as much as you can. This gets easier with practice. But it's hard. It's hard. But once you like, once you know it's like what's gonna happen, right? What your reactions are gonna be.

And it gets a little easier, but trying to approach them in this place of curiosity. Soset a goal of just understanding their point of view and what they're trying to communicate. And then you can apply that to yourself and what it means for you later. 

Mike: I had somebody very wise tell me, just let your heart listen.

Yeah, and, I liked Rebecca's , um Ms. Yang. She had, observed that she has a reaction and she hasa procedure for herself where she doesn't react.

And she says something like, thank you for feeling, safe enough to give the, give me this feedback. I would, request some time so I can process it. And I too have found like, I'll just try and listen and not get super involved. And I love the way you describe, curiosity, which is listening without agenda.

Is that what you Interest. Interest with that agenda. And then, maybe take some time or a day or two and you'll just sort of have a natural process where you'll have some inspiration and introspection on it. And,

Kristen: Yep. Yeah it's try your best to just be in the moment and let the and push the processing to later when you're not like physically with the

Mike: Yeah. Let yourself process it in. In a natural way where you're not necessarily super involved in it. I don't know if that makes sense, but there's a, there needs to be a certain like detachment and then you'll, it's almost natural. I'd almost have a naturally.

If you'reopen to 

Kristen: Yeah. Well, you already said the L word, listening. 

Mike: Wait, what? Sorry.

Kristen: Oh my

Mike: I've on occasion, I've got some feedback that I'm a bit of a smart ass.

Kristen: ass. Just a little

Mike: I've tried to tone it down, that's a defense

Kristen: I also am, so, you know,

Mike: You are, you certainly are.

Oh my God. You are.

Kristen: That's one of many reasons why we're married.

Yeah. 

Mike: I don't know about that. I love you I've had a long day. I'm sorry. I'm a little punchy.

Kristen: Yeah, you could, when we don't record these on the weekends, we're a little punchier when we

Mike: Yeah, I was on the road for almost three hours a lot. 

Kristen: So listening. So a lot of this is like really practicing what I call immersive listening. So this is not listening to respond. You're actually listening to understand what the person is saying.

So not planning out your response, like actually focusing in the moment and like paying attention to their body language, their tone, and really just trying to understand what is their point of view. And take yourself out of it as much as possible in the moment. And then appreciation. So like always thank somebody for giving you feedback, even if you don't agree with it.

But. But recognize the fact that, people, I think we said this in the last episode, that, there's, research shows that, like, people hate giving feedback, I think, even more than people hate receiving constructive feedback. So giving constructive feedback, So recognize that it's, for most people, it's taken a lot for them to actually even if you don't necessarily feel that in the moment. 

Mike: A good point. You remember the person. Most people are not psychopaths or narcissists. Most people are not, and they don't enjoy saying things like, You're fired!

You know, that takes a special type of

Kristen: Presidential 

Mike: Special type person to enjoy, well, to, to, we're not political, to, no political, to enjoy inflicting discomfort. Or pain or sadness on somebody else. Like why would,like you can say like, Oh, they're not up to snuff. I'm actually helping them get better. Yeah, you are too maybe, but you're doing it for, I don't it gives pleasure to see in pain, not a great trait for a leader.It should be hard for you to break somebody's spirit or, that shouldn't be an easy choice. That should rack you with some type of, regret or guilt or that's sure.

Kristen: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.So the next one is clarity. So once the person has given you the initial feedback, paraphrasing and repeating back what they've said and asking questions to further clarify the feedback.

So make sure you really understand what is the feedback. You can ask them to put it in an SBI model. Again, SBI is situation, behavior, impact. So if you don't feel like you have the context for the behavior, you don't understand what the specific behavior was, or you don't understand like why this is important, like clarify.

Make sure you, you understand all of that and like what the other person's perspective is. And then accountability. So taking responsibility for any role that you've played in the situation or any behavior that you've taken, and is really importantas part of this process. This is again, the, this is the opposite of defensiveness, which is what we tend to default to in these situations, right?

Cause it's a fight or flight type of response. 

Mike: Well, you don't have to,You can just sit there.

You don't owe anyone a response at that moment. You can just politely listen. And, I think the world would be a better place just in general, like you're not, you can watch online as somebody makes a comment you don't agree with and not engage with them on Facebook or Instagram. That is absolutely your option.

And you can just listen to somebody give you feedback and just say, thank you. Let me think about that. And that's not it doesn't demean you as a person to, Yeah, 

Kristen: I mean, I think that's important to note, too. These steps do not need to happen all in the same meeting. In fact, they probably shouldn't, right? Because you should take some time. You don't need to necessarily take accountability until you have some time to process it.

But the thanking, I would always thank the person in the moment.But you can then take some time to reflect on it and then follow up,

Mike: That was in Brene's book too. She said, she will agree.

Kristen: And I do, I definitely found after I read her, I do this. You agree very quickly and go, yep, got it.Heard working on it. Got it. And you're really not truly internalizing the fee. You're just like, that's a kind of a deflection. You're not fighting per se, but you're minimizing the feedback by,Yeah. And kind of like knowing yourself, like if there's any tips or like things you can do to trick yourself to staying in the moment.

I know for me taking notes while somebody is giving me feedback helps a lot because for one thing I, it helps me actually remember what they're saying, but it also keeps me focused in the present moment. And it's harder for me to start having an emotional reaction when I'm like, busy listening and writing things down and then asking clarifying questions. that may or may not work for you, but just knowing what youyou can use tricks to help yourself stay in the moment too. 

Mike: Yeah. Find something that works for you to keep you calm.. 

Kristen: So then the last 2 steps of this, which again, these are can and probably should happen later, after you've done some emotional processing and really reflected on their feedback and what that means and what, if anything you want to change, but the next step is action.

So follow up with them, really like outline the actions that you plan to take as a result of it. If you're not planning on taking any action as a result of that, it's good to communicate that and why, right? Because sometimes people will have feedback that you just, for whatever reason, there's leadership reasons for why that decision was made and you can't change it, but at least explaining why that is, since that person took the time and went through the process of giving you feedback, right?

And then providing them with updates like following up is great asking them for additional feedback. So saying like hey, like I implemented this change like how is this working? What would you want to see more of or less of, et cetera. But that follow up process I think is usually skipped and it's actually really valuable. 

So yeah. So that's my feedback model. Again, you can grab it in the show notes if you want to just get like a PDF of it, but this is like the counterpart to

Mike: I took both these graphics and set an Asana task for myself sometime in April go through the Harvard Business Review and craft some questions for my current team. I feel like you need to like establish yourself a little bit before you solicit that type of feedback. You got to let people get to know you a little bit and get through the early stages.

Kristen: If it's too early yeah

Mike: You're going to get, maybe not helpful results and I think we'll clarify this more too with when we do The First 90 Days. Well, great minds. 

Kristen: Which will be our next LBC book in a couple weeks. So look out for that Which is perfect timing as Mike has just started a new job. 

Mike: So, boom, boom, boom. I mean, I like, I've already been there 90 weeks at this point. Like, 

Kristen: One month.

Mike: Nobody can believe I've only been there a month. It's literally a month. Not yet. and it does not feel like that. A lot has happened.this, The First 90 Days definitely I internalized a lot of it. It's super helpful, it's a great book. You can impress people by how quickly you can start making impact and You can really set yourself apart from other people who have a I don't say a longer learning curve And it certainly helps when you're going from the same job in different, organizations like a lateral, you know, you've done when you've done the same job like five times, you know, the hot buttons if you will, the things to look for but it's still can amp up how quickly youtake command, you know. As, one of the chapters in It's Your Ship, take command.

Cool. Looking forward to it. I like your model. I like the cookies,

Kristen: I know, I love the cookies.

Mike: Which is best though. You know, like what hit you on the head with the, I had, I had a leader that did that. And she basically said, I don't bother with, any,decorum or delicacy. I just smack people with a rolling pin because it just gets results quicker. 

Kristen: Yeah. 

Mike: And, she may or may not have been, had some other stuff going on in there.

But, 

Kristen: I mean, I would say so our delivering feedback episode. I have my model for that in there. So that I think that kind of encompasses my opinions, whether or not you agree with them. But,

Mike: Well yours is a thoughtful and analytical approach, which is what I would expect from an analytical archetype. actually right 

Kristen: I don't that any of these cookies are actually the right way 

Mike: do it. like

Kristen: there's really like a, but this is, you're likely to get feedback to receive feedback in one

Mike: type of, what

Kristen: So it's good to be aware

Mike: What kind of cookie are you feeding me? I kind of feel like the black and white and the oatmeal are, probably the most productive, no nonsense, treat people like adults do it with, without an agenda or without an intention to like,the intention should be to help people.

And if you do that, you can probably be direct with people and the oatmeal raisin is, people respond to positivity, at some point we really need to do How to Win Friends And Influence People..

Kristen: Yeah. That

Mike: stuff works, and you can give people when they know that you're on their side and that you want them to win and you support them and you're going to help them grow.

They'll take feedback, you know?

Kristen: It's true. 

Mike: Okay. 

Kristen: So, yeah, I think that's it.

Mike: L and L out. 

Kristen: L and L out. Is that our sign off now?

Mike: I don't know. I thought we were Love and Leadership and Cats. We have not had a cat appearance.

Kristen: I know it's been a while since we had a cat appearance in our podcast.

Mike: They're over it. They're very mercurial. 

Kristen: like, whatever you want us to

Mike: we want them to. So,

Kristen: we won't, you know, 

Mike: classic.

Well, you know what? We locked them in the bedroom once and they haven't returned

Kristen: True.

Mike: True. They're protesting.

Kristen: Was only after because for interviews, we use a webcam and then the previous interview, Beezus literally knocked over the

Mike: Well, and we're interviewing like some high powered people, like chief Fin, Chief people officer for big companies. We don't want, Beezus', tookus like in their like . I think they'd like it, but I don't know. We want to be professional, so 

Kristen: So only for interviews, do they specifically her get locked in the bedroom, now she's

Mercurial as you said 

All right,

Mike: Okay, great.

Kristen: going to wrap there. Thank you guys so much for listening. Take care of yourselves. There's a lot going on in the world. Remember, self care is part of leadership as well. And we will see you guys next week with a new interview.

Mike: Thank you, everyone.

Kristen: The Love and Leadership Podcast is produced and co-hosted by me, Kristen Brun Sharkey and co-hosted by Mike Sharkey. Please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you get your podcasts. We can't stress enough just how much these reviews help. You can follow us on LinkedIn under Kristen Brun Sharkey and Michael Sharkey, and on Instagram as loveleaderpod.

You can also find more information on our website, loveandleadershippod.com. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you again next week. 


People on this episode

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Kristen Brun Sharkey

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Mike Sharkey

Co-host